- Isaac: Someone holds the copyright to "Happy Birthday"?
- Dan Rydell: The representatives of Patty and Mildred Hill.
- Isaac: Took two people to write that song?
- Dan Rydell: Go figure.
- Dana Whitaker: Okay, Dan, here's the thing. You're gonna be 15 seconds short on the Bucks/Pacers game. I have two options for you. Option one is that the attendance at the game, 11,323, turns out to be exactly the same as the population of...
- Jeremy Goodwin: Hoisington, Kansas.
- Dana Whitaker: Hoisington, Kansas.
- Dan Rydell: And option two?
- Dana Whitaker: Talk slower.
- Dana Whitaker: Do you know what I do when I feel I'm about to lose it a little? I buy a lamp.
- Casey McCall: Well lady, you must have one well lit apartment because you turned a corner somewhere.
- Dan Rydell: I've got the intellectual property cops crawling up my butt.
- Isaac: The intellectual property cops?
- Dan Rydell: Yeah.
- Isaac: Are crawling up your butt?
- Dan Rydell: The heat's all over me.
- Isaac: What the hell are you talkin' about, Dan?
- Dan Rydell: I sang happy birthday to Casey on air.
- Isaac: When?
- Dan Rydell: Well, on his birthday, Isaac...
- Casey McCall: And Tanana, who obviously can't see the end zone marker under the virgin snow, breaks into his touchdown dance on the ten-yard line, only to be given a geography lesson by linebacker Marvin Watkins. That's an incredibly embarrassing moment for any professional athlete, so, when we come back, we're gonna show it to you a couple of more times, if only so that I can keep saying "virgin snow."
- Dan Rydell: No one understands the value of a healthy hunch.
- Isaac: Our lawyers understand the value of a healthy hunch. It's $400 an hour, plus court costs.
- Casey McCall: Listen to me. There is a fly in the studio, and this is not a normal-sized fly. It's a jumbo fly. It has made a habit, now, of flying into my monitors at a great velocity. You would think that at this velocity it would blow apart on impact, but apparently this fly has some sort of protective coating that allows it to come right back at me.
- Isaac: Protective coating?
- Casey McCall: Yes.
- Dana Whitaker: Does the fly have any other special powers?
- Casey McCall: No. Well, Jeremy thinks it might have some sort of stealth capability.
- Dan Rydell: By the way, do you know what you got me for my birthday? A box of Mallomars.
- Casey McCall: You like Mallomars.
- Dan Rydell: I love Mallomars, but these weren't $2, 500 Mallomars.
- Casey McCall: They were good Mallomars.
- Dan Rydell: They were fine Mallomars. All I'm saying is you could have had the four remaining Spice Girls serve them to me in hot pants - I still say I got gypped.
- Casey McCall: [to Dana] Hey, I apologize for nothing! No, that's not true, I apologize for some things. A few things. Several things. I apologize for half of things.
- Dana Whitaker: [to Casey] KNOCK IT OFF.
- [pauses]
- Dana Whitaker: You know what I am talking about, and it is not fair to me. It's not good for you. It's not good for me, and it's not good for the show. So knock it off.
- Jeremy Goodwin: If you freeze frame this shot right here, and lose the Pepsi sign, you spot shadow the right inside linebacker, then cut back to movement on the whole field, that works.
- Natalie Hurley: Jeremy, Dana's got me thinking. When was the last time you had a good idea?
- Jeremy Goodwin: It was right then.
- Natalie Hurley: That's not what I mean.
- Jeremy Goodwin: It was a good idea.
- Natalie Hurley: I was talking on a grander scale.
- Jeremy Goodwin: I see.
- Natalie Hurley: I mean a good idea on the grand scale of human experience.
- Jeremy Goodwin: Yes.
- Natalie Hurley: When was the last time you had one?
- Jeremy Goodwin: A good idea on the grand scale of human experience.
- Natalie Hurley: Yes.
- Jeremy Goodwin: You understand I'm saying we spot shadow the inside linebacker?
- Natalie Hurley: Yes.
- Jeremy Goodwin: That doesn't count?
- Natalie Hurley: I feel like a freeloader sometimes, leaving the good ideas up to other people. I feel like I'm standing on the shoulders of generations past. Do you know what I mean?
- Jeremy Goodwin: Yes.
- Natalie Hurley: Really?
- Jeremy Goodwin: My grandfather invented the clipboard.
- Natalie Hurley: Did he?
- Jeremy Goodwin: Well, he didn't invent it, but he always use to complain that he didn't have a portable writing surface.
- Natalie Hurley: ...I don't think you're getting it.
- Jeremy Goodwin: Yeah, I don't think so.
- Dan Rydell: It's against the law to sing Happy Birthday on television.
- Malory Moss: Federal Copyright law.
- Dan Rydell: Happy Birthday is protected material?
- Malory Moss: Yes.
- Dan Rydell: Who holds the copyright to Happy Birthday?
- Malory Moss: The representatives of Mildred and Patty Hill.
- Dan Rydell: Mildred and Patty Hill.
- Malory Moss: The authors.
- Dan Rydell: The authors?
- Malory Moss: They wrote it.
- Dan Rydell: They wrote the song.
- Malory Moss: Did you think that song just happened?
- Dan Rydell: Well, yeah.
- Malory Moss: Huh. Well, it didn't.
- Dan Rydell: Live and learn.
- Malory Moss: Yes indeed.
- Casey McCall: Look, Dana, you seem to be under the impression that I'm harboring some kind of love for you...
- Dana Whitaker: No! You're under that impression, but I know that it's in your head just like the fly!
- Casey McCall: A: I am not feeling what you think I'm feeling. B: if I were feeling what you think I'm feeling it wouldn't be in my head and C: you have serious feelings for me that only now are you being forced to confront and that will likely send you into a lamp-buying frenzy.
- Dana Whitaker: OKAY! Let's review this, I don't think you quite have this. I have utterly no feelings for you what so ever, you are monumentally interested in me, only are not, 'cause it's all in your head!
- Casey McCall: Like the fly?
- Dana Whitaker: Like the fly!
- Jeremy Goodwin: [Casey attempts to show Jeremy video footage of a fly in the studio] Well, why don't I just tell everybody that I saw the fly?
- Casey McCall: This isn't in my head.
- Jeremy Goodwin: Of course it's not.
- Casey McCall: No seriously.
- Jeremy Goodwin: I know.
- Casey McCall: There's a fly in there.
- Jeremy Goodwin: Maybe he only makes himself visible to you.
- Casey McCall: He only makes himself visible to me?
- Jeremy Goodwin: Like the rabbit in 'Harvey.'
- Casey McCall: No, this isn't like the rabbit in 'Harvey'.
- Jeremy Goodwin: Of course not.
- Casey McCall: No, seriously.
- Jeremy Goodwin: I know.
- Casey McCall: Jeremy...
- Jeremy Goodwin: I'm just saying whether it's there you're not, you're making me believe it's there.
- Casey McCall: It's there.
- Jeremy Goodwin: I believe it.
- Natalie Hurley: I am certain, beyond any doubt, that if Dana and Casey got together as a couple, they would both be very happy. I think that's a good idea.
- Jeremy Goodwin: That is a virtuous idea.
- Natalie Hurley: You don't think it's a good idea?
- Jeremy Goodwin: Well, I'm not really one to...
- Natalie Hurley: Tell me what you think!
- Jeremy Goodwin: I think it's a bad idea.
- Natalie Hurley: Look who's talking, you want to spot shadow the outside linebacker.
- Jeremy Goodwin: Inside linebacker!
- Natalie Hurley: They are meant for each other!
- Jeremy Goodwin: The outside and inside linebacker?
- Natalie Hurley: I meant Dana and Casey.
- Jeremy Goodwin: I think the outside and inside linebacker have a better chance.
- Dana Whitaker: You know something, I can't think of the last time I had a good idea.
- Natalie Hurley: This segment's a good idea.
- Dana Whitaker: It's not a really good idea. It's a fine idea. It's a regular idea. You have a lot of good ideas. I find myself saying "Natalie's got a good idea."
- Natalie Hurley: But you also find yourself saying, "Natalie if you screw that up again, I'll set you on fire."
- Dana Whitaker: That's true, too, and yet it's the good idea thing that I'm focusing on.
- Natalie Hurley: Do you like this shot here?
- Dana Whitaker: All I'm looking at is the Pepsi sign.
- Natalie Hurley: Moving on.
- Dana Whitaker: What was the last good idea you had?
- Natalie Hurley: When I got up this morning, I decided not to stick my hand in the blender.
- Dana Whitaker: That's what I mean.
- Natalie Hurley: I think the way that you're handling the Casey Situation is very good.
- Dana Whitaker: The Casey Situation?
- Natalie Hurley: I'm calling it The Casey Situation.
- Dana Whitaker: It's not a situation.
- Natalie Hurley: It's a bit of a situation.
- Dana Whitaker: It's not at all a situation.
- Natalie Hurley: I've already named it!
- Casey McCall: You've known for awhile now that she's been seeing this guy, Gordon.
- Dan Rydell: Yes.
- Casey McCall: And you didn't tell me about it.
- Dan Rydell: Right.
- Casey McCall: Why?
- Dan Rydell: I thought you might be upset. I can see now I was wrong.
- Casey McCall: Look, I'm not upset, all right. I've known Dana for 15 years. She just does this thing from time to time.
- Dan Rydell: You mean have a personal life?
- Casey McCall: Yeah. She just does it to make me jealous.
- Dan Rydell: I don't think it's gonna work, do you?
- Casey McCall: My behavior is not motivated by jealousy, Danny. This is not jealousy.
- Dan Rydell: What is your behavior motivated by?
- Casey McCall: ...It's an emotion I'm having a difficult time putting my finger on at the moment, but uh, it will come to me.
- Casey McCall: I took care of my body and my body just deserted me at that moment.
- Dan Rydell: No, your brain deserted you. Your body is fine.
- Casey McCall: I have a broken ankle. You're not concerned I have a broken ankle?
- Dan Rydell: Where does it hurt?
- Casey McCall: ...In my ankle, Danny. It hurts in my ankle.
- Dan Rydell: You shouldn't move it.
- Casey McCall: I can't move it.
- Dan Rydell: Well, then you're all set.
- Casey McCall: Good night, have a good weekend.
- Dana Whitaker: I will.
- Casey McCall: [mumbles] I bet you will.
- Dana Whitaker: What was that?
- Casey McCall: I said I bet you will.
- Dana Whitaker: You bet I will.
- Casey McCall: Yeah.
- Dana Whitaker: What does that mean?
- Casey McCall: Well, it means that if someone were to offer money against the possibility of your having a good time this weekend I would take that action.
- Natalie Hurley: Has anybody else noticed that Casey's been flinching a lot tonight?
- Kim: He's been doing it for a couple of nights.
- Dana Whitaker: Flinching?
- Chris: Like a tic.
- Will: It's a flinch.
- Dana Whitaker: Casey, why are you flinching?
- Casey McCall: I'm not flinching.
- Dana Whitaker: Not now, but before.
- Chris: It's like a tic.
- Will: It's a flinch.
- Dana Whitaker: A tic or a flinch, what's going on?
- Casey McCall: There's a fly in the studio.
- Dana Whitaker: A fly?
- Casey McCall: Yes, a big one. It's been in here about 3 days now.
- Dana Whitaker: Dave, there's a fly in the studio?
- Dave: I'm not seeing it.
- Dana Whitaker: Casey says there's a fly.
- Dave: [to Chris] Is there a fly in our studio?
- Chris: I'm not hearing anything.
- Dave: [to Dana] There ain't no fly.
- Dana Whitaker: Casey, there's no fly.
- Casey McCall: Dana, there is a fly in the studio the size of a bald eagle. And every time he buzzes my head on a flyby, it sounds like a sound check at a Black Sabbath concert. You're not picking this up?
- Dana Whitaker: Dan, is there a fly in the studio?
- Dan Rydell: Let him work through it.
- Dana Whitaker: Every time your life starts to spin out of control, you come after me. And you make me feel like you feel a certain way when you really don't. You did it in college. You did it in Dallas, you did it in L.A., and you're doing it now. I don't think you're cute. I don't think you're funny, I don't think you're smart and sometimes I don't think you're very nice.
- Casey McCall: [pauses] You don't think I'm funny?
- Dan Rydell: What's the problem?
- Malory Moss: During your broadcast on September 5th, you sang Happy Birthday to your partner, Casey McCall.
- Dan Rydell: Yeah, but I can explain that. Wait, it was his birthday. Why do I have to explain that?
- Malory Moss: You sang Happy Birthday on the air.
- Dan Rydell: Dana cleared it.
- Malory Moss: Who's Dana?
- Dan Rydell: Dana Whitaker, the producer of the show.
- Malory Moss: Oh yes. Well, my predecessor didn't clear it.
- Dan Rydell: Who's your predecessor?
- Malory Moss: Marty Sheinbaum.
- Dan Rydell: Who's Marty Sheinbaum?
- Malory Moss: My predecessor.
- Dan Rydell: Look, I don't have a whole lot of time...
- Malory Moss: Listen, I think it's sweet that you and your partner sing to each other on television. Others may thing that it's vaguely gay, but I disagree.
- Dan Rydell: [Dan looks at woman sitting behind him, who smiles meekly] Thank you.
- Malory Moss: Nonetheless, you can't do it anymore.
- Dan Rydell: Why not?
- Malory Moss: It's against the law.
- Dan Rydell: It's against the law to be vaguely gay?
- Malory Moss: It's against the law to sing Happy Birthday on television.
- Dan Rydell: That doesn't sound quite right to me.
- Malory Moss: It is.
