We all know that Ariana Grande's latest album, Thank U, Next is a work of GD art. But, have we considered the possibility that it is also a work of science? I'm not ready to rule that out yet. There's even a song called "NASA," which is about as scientific as it gets.
Because I lack the emotional strength it would take to speculate which songs are about who (my heart breaks like, five times just listening to the first verse of "Ghostin") let's take a look at Thank U, Next by the numbers.
A Breakdown of Bops
There are 12 tracks on Thank U, Next. Let's break them down by bopiness, shall we?
Certified Banger Bops: 6
Banger bops are the tracks that you physically cannot listen to without ponytail flipping, dancing, making a stank face, or all of the above. In order of appearance, these songs include: "NASA," "Bloodline," "7 Rings," "Thank U, Next," and "Break Up With Your Girlfriend, I'm Bored."
Moody Bops: 3
Moody bops are almost indistinguishable from certified banger bops, except for the fact that they'll put you in your feelings. Moody bops are surprisingly dangerous, because they sound fun, and then after a full day with one stuck in your head, you'll realize that you are really emotional. These songs include: "Fake Smile," "Bad Idea," and "In My Head."
Boppy Ballads: 2
A boppy ballad is kind of the opposite of a moody bop. It's more of a singalong than a song to dance to, but it's still a freakin' bop. These songs include: "Imagine" and "Needy."
Tearjerker Ballads: 1
Tearjerker ballads are self explanatory. This is the kind of song you need to listen to cautiously. Avoid playing while you're doing your makeup, riding public transportation, or in any situation where crying would throw you off. Thank U, Next's tearjerker ballad is "Ghostin" and it will probably make you sob like an infant.
A Study of Signature Arianaisms
When scientifically classifying Ariana Grande songs, it is important to take note of her scientific sounds. Here is what I found:
Whistle Tones: 4
A whistle tone is the highest register a singer can hit. It's that clear, mega high sound that you've probably tried while you're alone in your car, only to realize that it is a musical feat that only super humans can nail.
Anyway, Ariana blessed us with four clear as day whistle tones on "Imagine."
Yuhs: 46
Okay, so, a "yuh" is not technically a musical term... yet. But, if you know anything about Ari, you know that she loves to sprinkle some "yuhs" throughout her songs. In fact, Thank U, Next includes 46. Here's the count: "Needy" has 1, "Bloodline" has 15, "Fake Smile" has 2, "7 Rings" has 7, and "Break Up With Your Girlfriend, I'm Bored" has 21.
For complete transparency, I would also like to add that there are 9 "yeahs" that could potentially be considered "yuhs." ("7 Rings" has 3 and "Break Up With Your Girlfriend, I'm Bored," has 6.) There are also 2 "yuh, yee" moments that could technically be counted as "yuhs," but in the name of this extremely scientific report, I would like to categorize them separately. In conclusion: every yuh is a yeah, but not every yeah is a yuh.
Ariana's Favorite Things
We all know that "7 Rings" samples the classic Christmas song, "My Favorite Things," but how materialistic actually is the Thank U, Next album?
Brand Name Drops: 3
Tiffany, Gucci, and Fenty Beauty are all mentioned on the album. Sounds like a trifecta, if you ask me.
Champagne Shoutouts: 2
Ari mentions champagne twice on the album. In "Imagine," she sings "Me with no makeup, you in the bathtub, bubbles and bubbly, ooh."
In "7 Rings," the song that was inspired by a day filled with champagne, also mentions the bev once.
Food References: 2
Would Ariana even be living her best relatable, yet unattainable, life if she didn't mention needing a snack at least once? In "Imagine," she dreams of being ordered pad thai and in "Fake Smile," she leaves a party because she's starving.
Guest Appearances
Technically, there are no features on this album, but there are still plenty of other voices.
Inner Circle Intros: 3
The very beginning of "NASA" is a play on Neil Armstrong's classic "one small step for man" line, except with a very Ari spin. The track features the fab drag queen, Shangela Laquifa Wadley saying "one small step for woman, one giant leap for womankind."
Ari's bestie, Doug Middlebrook appears in the intro of "In My Head" with the sweetest message a BFF could ever leave.
Ariana's super cool tatted Nonna throws her two cents in at the beginning of "Bloodline," saying "Because I'm trying to do the best I can, and they can't find something to satisfy me. Look."
Samples: 2
"Fake Smile" samples "After Laughter (Comes Tears)" by Wendy Rene.
"Break Up With Your Girlfriend, I'm Bored" samples "It Makes Me Ill" by *NSYNC, and honestly, I feel like this is the absolute peak of pop music.
