Report: Dad is nodding at CNBC, so the economy must be good

WASHINGTON, D.C.—For decades, economists have developed and argued over a variety of metrics to best assess economic performance—GDP, unemployment, labor productivity, and a host of other complex calculations. But this dispute exists no longer. Top economists have shifted to a consensus that only one measure truly matters: The amount Dad nods at CNBC. “For years, I used to puzzle over the jobs report, track the flows of farm employment, and obsess over the Gini coefficient,” said Jason Furman, who served as chair of the Council of Economic Advisers under President Obama. “Then, I just saw my dad slouching on the couch, nodding at Jim Cramer’s talking head with a superimposed graph next to him, and realized: ’shit, the economy must be good.’” The finding has the potential to revolutionize the way we think about the economy. Yet not all economists agree. Many point to a series of confounding factors that obscure our understanding of what “Dad nods” really mean. “Dad could be nodding because one of the anchors made a joke about the big game last night. He could be nodding because there’s a World War II movie marathon on TNT tonight. We simply don’t know,” claimed Janet Yellen, ex-Chair of the Federal Reserve. At press time, however, the evidence was undeniable. The re-run of Mad Money corresponded with an estimated 281,000 nods from Dads around the country, providing definitive proof that the economy is indeed doing pretty darn well.