Where the Gays Are

In 2006, with one toddler and one on the way, we packed up our life in London and began our search for a new home within a commutable distance from New York City. Surely there are thousands of possibilities within a stone's throw of Manhattan. For some, zeroing in on the perfect spot can be overwhelming. Our list of prospective towns was a short one, however, based on our requirements.

In addition to targeting a community with an active Jewish population, we wanted to find the gays. We had no intentions of playing the role of pioneer. The only kind of role playing I enjoy is, frankly, none of your business, thank you very much. Furthermore, we assumed, correctly or incorrectly, that where there were gays, there were like-minded people.

After a quick web search, I found Rainbow Families of New Jersey and shot out an e-mail requesting relocation advice. I received pages and pages of information describing gay life in South Orange, Maplewood and Montclair from an enthusiastic member who had apparently found gay utopia on Earth. Either something was in the water or Essex County was the gay family Mecca. Four years later, I have to ask myself, "Self, is this all we ever wanted and more?"

What you are not going to find are rainbow stickers on every shop window welcoming the Dorothy Dollar. You will not see rainbow-ringed pillars on the street corners as you do in Boystown in Chicago, the first officially named gay village in the United States. Nor does it hold a Diptyque candle to the pervasive pride in Provincetown. If you are looking to celebrate being gay 24/7, South Orange may not be the perfect place for you. That said, neither of those towns boast excellent public schools, a wide selection of playgrounds or ample parking for mini-vans.  

We moved to this area because we did not want our children to be the only kids in class with two moms. Indeed, there are a number of gay families in our small enclave. There are four gay households on our twee, dead-end road alone. I think it's fair to say that the gay families I know all feel accepted by the community at large to the point of it being a non-issue. So, is the non-issue of family makeup good enough to keep the gays skipping to town or do we miss the flag-waving in the big city?

The answer is, it depends on which gay you're asking. Our gay friends with children in Manhattan refuse to leave the city regardless of expense of housing and education. There are still others who would say that Brooklyn is the perfect place to raise children. It all comes down to individual priorities. We are everywhere, so goes the expression, and we are everywhere for a reason. My ideal town may look nothing like the next gay's. Furthermore, what I like to do in my town is not necessarily what other gays like to do. Go figure.

Mindy Farbrother moved to South Orange in 2003 with her two daughters aged 7 and 10 and her partner, Lois. "We came here because we didn't want to be the only [gay family]. We also love that the commute is great, the houses are beautiful and the people are friendly. The girls never felt like they were different, and no one ever said anything derogatory. The school system is good, and they've done really well."

When I asked Farbrother about her own experience she explained that, between work and raising a family, she doesn't have much time to reach out to the gay community. Her circle of friends comes largely from her professional life. Given that her career happens to be in theater, it will come as no surprise that she feels the gays are well represented within her circle, but not because she lives in South Orange.

Farbrother introduced Eddie Bennett, a theater friend, to the area a couple of years ago. Bennett relocated from the city with his partner Todd and son Raz. "We did not want to live where there were only white, straight people or where there were no other families who had adopted children. It's a great community and the best option if you have a kid," he said. That said, Bennett was not prepared for the culture shock of moving to suburbia. "I miss having a place to hang out. Everything for adults revolves around a meeting. There's not one gay bar or gay-owned cafe in town where we can gather. I miss that."   

Well, Mindy Farbrother and Eddie Bennett, you'll be happy to learn that in June of 2009, Kim Miller founded Gay Night at The Gate for gays and their friends. Since then, she and Dell Miller keep the party going at St. James's Gate Publick House in Maplewood every second Monday of the month from 8:30 p.m. to 10 p.m.

Kim Miller says that the boys do tend to outnumber the girls. She thinks that the men in town may simply be more willing to go out during the week, but she does hope that more women will find a sitter for a couple of hours and join the fun. Perhaps the ladies would prefer another option to bar nights. Then there is the possibility that men are simply more interested in connecting with a gay community. I think that you can't please everyone, but everyone seems to be pleased.

"What do you think?" I asked my partner, Gabriella. "Is South Orange the best place for a gay family to live?" 

"The best place to be is wherever you are," she said. At least I'm pretty sure she said that out loud.

Deborah Goldstein was selected to be a Community Keynote speaker at the 2010 BlogHer conference in New York City. Her blog Peaches & Coconuts is a wry take on life's vicissitudes from the perspective of a woman who happens to be gay.